Why you should never date or marry a woman who has lived in a traumatic, abusive relationship for long.
This is article is about men who are in relationship or are seriously considering marrying or having relationship with women who have had experienced cruelty, violence, suppression and many such emotional, mental and physical horrors – in their earlier relationship OR even from parents during growing up years.
There will be a separate article for women who have found someone with aforesaid type of abusive past.
These types of men will similar as well as different ways of behavior their women vis-à-vis women with their men of this type.
Even women should avoid dating or marrying those men who have been in emotionally shocking relationship for long.
Contrary to popular wisdom if we are hurt – we won't hurt others THE FACT IS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE HURT AND HELD ON TO THEIR HURTS FOR LONG - BECOMES THE MOST CRUEL PARTNERS TO HAVE.
The truth is that almost all the people who have held on to their pain, traumas, griefs and hurts long after it has been over – WILL DEFINITELY HURT THEIR PARTNERS IN MOST AGONIZING WAYS and in many cases their children as well.
This is also true for the people who are grieving because of the loss of a loved one years after the normal grief-cycle should have been over with their accepting the loss and moving with their life.
In both the cases – their past drives their present and hence their future.
Yes therapy, counseling can help – in mild cases – in very unhealthy state – it does not.
Some unhealthy cases can even fool and confuse the therapist and counselor.
These emotionally abused people are normally emotionally, mentally and physically unavailable to anyone.
For outside world they would be perfect example of wonderfully good human being.
But their closest one goes through hell of uncertain, shocking and unbelievable horrors.
Many of them are still living their past abuse [much after that person is no more able to impact their lives].
As a result of the abuses and their not able to handle it effectively then – they lose their self-respect, self-dignity, self-worth, self-esteem AND develop deep-rooted-emotional-insecurities.
These emotional insecurities are very-very difficult if not impossible to get rid of.
Yes they do need – care, respect, love – BUT – if only you are giving and they don't recognize, appreciate and reciprocate and are grateful for the same – THEN NO CHANGE CAN TAKE PLACE.
Moreover – none of us are equipped to handle them by playing twin role of their therapist as well as their lover.
These types of people always attract the emotionally-empathic people and vice-versa.
They need victims to play their VICTIM-trilogy of victim-persecutor-rescuer.
Whatever they say – they will never do and whatever they promise will rarely happen unless they are trying to woo you for some of their needs.
Then everything including their mistakes – will be their partner's fault.
They are grudge manufacturing and warehousing plant – they will keep creating and accumulating grudges.
Their anger finds outlet in you – the moment you give-in to their imbalanced behaviors.
Their constantly being abused makes them feel unworthy and they lose their ability to love, respect and accept themselves and as a result of these they can't love, respect, appreciate have meaningful relationships with others.
They do have self-love – but it is skewed towards narcistic-love.
You also have to understand that – they may have become incapable of experiencing love, empathy, respect, happiness AS THEY DON'T THINK THESE CAN HAPPEN WITH THEM or that they deserve it.
This has been my experience of three personal relationships as well as numerous counseling cases in hundreds.
One Real-Life Example
I am requesting the reader of this blog tell me - Why – this happened – give all the reasons that you think of a golden relationship turning from Bless to Curse – at least for one partner who invested heavily emotionally and otherwise.
Don't read the possibilities given by me – answer first and then only read my part.
This example is of deep-rooted insecurities created through past-abusive-relationships and how they can self-sabotage someone as well as impact their current relationships and their current partner's life.
This is about a woman – who had an abusive relationship for almost 10+ years but did not walk-out of the same under the assumed-notion of giving the care of both the parents to her son.
Which never happened and she put-up with all kind of abuse – violence, sexual, physical, mental, emotional and financial.
After this became too-traumatic even for her to take it further – she sought and got divorced.
Then she was living alone with her son – still under terror of her ex.
Then she found a man about 8 months back – and as per her words
"Quote - in her own words"
- I.I knew he was the one for me.
- II.We had intense relationship and this man was truly supportive of me despite my being irrational, moody and misunderstanding even the innocent remarks and jokes by taking them personally.
- III.I shared with him all my insecurities, my fears, my failures, and doubts - the ugly, scary monsters.
- IV.I opened up to him like I had never done in my life so far with anyone.
- V.Even after knowing my past and seeing my tantrums and dramas - he gave me what I have craved my entire life – Respect, Love, Care, Being There for me – and the most powerful of these -his acceptance of myself as I am
- VI.He slowly taught me how get these demons out of my psych.
- VII.He kept nurturing me by positive inducementsby focusing on what he called the real, beautiful, wonderful me.
- VIII.It never varied – he always said that all the positive he tells about me is about me the PERSON and if he criticizes me it will only for an act of mine and nothing else – he still maintained this till now.
- IX.I made many-many major mistakes – and each time he said – just move-on don't linger on it – I told him how can you don't get mad – he said that if he starts getting mad then our relationship will go nowhere. He only said that just don't repeat them again
- X.I made many commitments and promises – but hardly kept any of them
- XI.He also told me – if I feel upset or bad about anything that he has said or done – to assume that I have mis-understood and that he meant only positive – powerfully positive. He actually showed me numerous time what he meant by these through explaining patiently what he meant and what I understood
- XII.His compassion, love, romance turned out to be a more powerfully intense than I could ever have imagined
- XIII.He was always the person – who will come back and resolve any misunderstanding and conflict that happened due to my perceiving something out of sense
- XIV.Even after many such incidences he actually explained all these to me – whenever I sulked or got angry – proving what he meant – AND – pampered me back through LOVE
- XV.He also taught me to how to practice self-love and self-care.
- XVI.Then corona covid19 started and I got into series of one after another sickness – he was still with me.
- XVII.Suddenly because of my own feeling bad about my illness – I started distancing myself from him.
- XVIII.I also found that – all his helping me to become myself and living a life without inhibitions – were stored as grudges AND now suddenly for a very small reason exploded into inferno of anger -and since then my anger is not reducing in fact it is increasing – as I felt belittled because of my making so many mistakes and with my flaws
- XIX.He cried and begged me to talk so that we can work together LIKE WE DID earlier – but somehow my anger started increasing towards him
- XX.And now it is so much that I have blocked him on almost all the social media AND maybe I will block him totally
- XXI.He asked me why I am angry – I told him to go away – without giving him the reason
- XXII.He is still waiting for me to come back – I know
What will happen to this woman – will she be happy [no idea – as there are numerous possibilities – I have given few
- I.That she might have made herself [sub-consciously off-course] numb to feel either pleasure or pain
- II.She feels more comfortable with living with pain – as she held her pain for much longer during her trauma days and it gives her a familiar comfort to hold on to
- III.Because she has been hurt badly and kept on hurting – she has become a person who unconsciously hurt people closest to her
- IV.Maybe her suppressed anger that she felt for her ex – has taken-over her emotions, mind, heart and psyche – and it is into self-destructive mode
- V.Maybe – she is doing what in Hindi movies they do – if very sick they try to create hatred in the mind of their partner – so that the partner goes away
- VI.Maybe being in relationship – even though she felt happy – makes her feel guilty – because of lack of self-love AND she has started sabotaging it or have already done
- VII.She definitely needs loving and caring nurturing [but she has to allow others BY RECOGNIZING, CARING, APPRECIATING AND LOVING THE MAN WHO GIVES HER THE SUPPORT] – BUT- additionally she would ALSO need long-term therapy
- VIII.Maybe she got into relationship – on other's telling – and then found that she has to put up a front and act to show that she too loves him. But then putting up this mask became very tough – so she revolted this way.
- IX.Or she might have come under the influence of a powerful person who is behaving as a well-wisher but giving her destructive advice and suggestions – with this woman being suggestable to few people other than that man
- X.Or something triggered the anti-social or any psychological dis-order that was hidden or covered
- XI.Maybe she never valued the person and the relationship
- XII.Maybe she got scared of the intensity of the intimacy – emotional one as well as the physical part AS she was sexually abused and exploited
But it is a foregone conclusion that – she has managed to sabotage a wonderful possibility of living a joyous life.
BECAUSE – she lacks self-love, lacks-trust-in-herself, lacks-respect-for-herself, does-not value herself.
Meaning she does not have good relationship with her - that is why she could not appreciate the blessings she got and attacked ferociously to destroy that and possibly this man.
You also have to understand that – she may have become incapable of experiencing love, empathy, respect, happiness AS She does not believe that THESE positive things can in her life or that she deserves it.
And tell me - what will be the impact on the man – well
- I.It depends on him – if he is emotionally matured and practical – he may try few times – then may move on with his life
- II.But if he loves her deeply and is attached with her -it will be a slow and long-haul to overcome break-up-stress of extreme nature and at their age it would be kind of miracle
- III.May loose his sanity with grief
- IV.May wallow for some time and the bounce back or try to bounce-back
- V.May give-up on life
- VI.May give-up on the goodness of human-beings and women
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