Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your All Relationships
All of us have following relationships & more. If we do not set healthy boundaries, we cannot have healthy, meaningful & blissful relationships.
- With All Business Stake Holders/Manufacturing-Vendor/Service-User/Customers
- With Essential Professional Like Doctor/Lawyer/Accountant/Priest
- Authority Figures/Very Powerful People/People with Fearful[like Dictators, Criminals, corrupt politicians, High Ranking Beurocrat , Police officers] Personalities & say Public
Type of violations that have impact on our wellbeing, self-esteem, our relationships, our success, our happiness, our peace of mind, our growth
- Psychological or Emotional
- Any Other in combination of above
Examples of Psychological/Emotional Violations & Abuse
- Using what you told them in confidence to hurt you, to make you feel bad, to take advantage of you
- Lying to you
- Making false Promises with the knowledge that they are not going to keep
- Criticizing you
- Demeaning you, putting you down, insulting you
- Blaming you for their faults
- Projecting their lacunas on you
- Manipulating you using your weaknesses
- Blackmailing you into doing something you would not do
- Judging you, comparing you
- Making fun of you with the intention of hurting you
- Playing victim, even though it you they are taking advantage of
- Bullying you
- Making you feel guilty or responsible for them, their conditions or a situation
- Playing superior
- Making excessive & unnecessary demand on your time, energy
- Making you put your needs in the backstage, by continuous harping of their agenda & that their needs, wants, thoughts & beliefs are superior & more important to yours
- Ignoring your major achievement & creating a sense in you that their everyday act is huge accomplishments
Examples of Physical Violation
- Touching you inappropriately, without your permission especially sexually
- Sexual references, gestures & overtures
- Using the things those are too personal without permission
- Physical abuse & violence
- Cheating with you [this can also come under psychological/mental/physical violations]
- Denying you your rights [this can also come under psychological/mental/ physical violations]
Examples of Mental Violation
- Suspicion & Doubting you
- Violating your privacy by checking your mails, messages etc
- Forcing you to follow their orders
- Threatening, yelling, screaming for no reason, especially when they themselves are at fault
- Name calling
- Provoking you to react
Examples of Verbal Violation
- Not allowing you to speak or be heard
- Saying things that are derogatory behind your back
- Creating negative impressions about your character & integrity through gossiping & spreading rumors
YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY & FIRST STEP
- Identify all the relationships whether personal, romantic, professional or social, which are draining you physically, emotionally, mentally and in any other ways
- Introspect whether you are not being a parasite to cross someone’s boundaries & making others feel miserable
Few Basics about setting boundaries & YOUR BASIC RIGHTS, irrespective of the country you are in
- All the people who have healthy relationship have healthy boundaries
- Setting boundaries are not about others, it about protecting yourself, your wellbeing, your happiness, your right to live peacefully, your emotional/mental/physical & other security and safety
- Boundaries can be positive & they can also be self-sabotaging
- Most of the major boundary violations during growing up years, prevents us from growing into an independent, mature & responsible adult & human being
- We learn about the boundaries mostly in our childhood, assertive parents have assertive children who know the difference between why the boundaries are important to them or others
- If you were not valued or respected while growing up, you may not believe you any major rights
- You have a right to say no to people’s demand & situation. You need to be treated with respect & courtesy. You can ask people for help, You can choose not do or do something.
- Similarly others have their rights to say no & all above
- You are in charge of your choices.
- You have the right to change your mind or your direction at any time
- You don’t need to feel that you owe anyone anything more than you want to give with your free and conscious mind
- You have a right to walk away without any guilt, negativity without looking back from anyone who mistreats you, is disrespectful of your wishes, refuses to hear you, and has no intention of changing
- to determine whom or whether you give or lend things, such as your money, your clothes, or anything that belongs to you
- You have the right to refuse help from others, without feeling bad about refusing
- You have a right to feel good, be happy & successful
- You have right to tell other when they violate any of your private rights & space
- Understand that the boundaries are not meant to punish others, it is only for protecting you from all above
- Please understand that if you are going through bad relationships, it is going to take lot of time, support, learning & practice to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem
- You would need encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback
If you feel resentful, guilty, angry or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it may actually indicate that you have not yet set clear boundaries.
If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy.
The moment you start implementing practicing healthy boundaries, you would feel empowered freedom from , resentment, and guilt & would receive respect from others and your relationships too will become better.
Off-course, there will be people who would leave you, but they would be the people, who were using you, taking advantage of you, manipulating you, cared only about their agenda. So losing them actually be a big all-around booster for you in life.
The BIG Codependency Pit-fall
It is considered being weak psychologically, if you make your happiness, your success, your self-worth relate to & depend on others – what others say, do, feel about you. Ask Yourself
- Do you feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being
- Do you feel emotionally compelled to solve problems of others
- Do you feel it is only you who has to take care of other people’s feelings
- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you
- Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others instead of asking for help
- Do you feel insecure, uncomfortable and guilty when someone gives to you
- Do you feel empty, bored, and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with
- Do you stay in relationships that don't work and keep on tolerating abuse
- Do you have multiple bad relationships
How do you know if you need stronger emotional boundaries
- You often feel angry and resentful because you feel you have been taken advantage of
- You often feel others are responsible for the unhappiness you’re feeling?
- You often feel like recusing, saving & helping others without any need
- You find yourself falling in love for people much faster
- Your romantic relationships highly charged — either wonderful or disastrous
- You feel like defending always
- You always feel others take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain
- You feel it is your responsibility to fix problems of others, all the time
- You have pointless arguments on a regular basis especially with same people
- You tell people how much you hate drama but it is the other way round
- Do you spend a lot of time reflecting yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault
- Boundaries in relationship are created to build trust, clarify expectations, deciding the roles & responsibilities, open the communication channel, have meaningful dialogues, building intimacy, how to resolve conflict, how to support, when to give space etc etc
So how do we go about setting healthy clear boundaries
- Know yourself, identify what are your needs, wants, expectations, beliefs, emotions, feelings, weaknesses, strengths, your perceptions and ideas. The better you know yourself the better you are able to understand and choose those significant people who are the ones suiting best for the life you want
- Learn to start loving yourself, visit this link for more detail https://www.successunlimited-mantra.com/index.php/blog/how-to-love-yourself-first
- Take responsibility for yourself, your actions & your choices
- Identify who, where & when violates your boundaries
- Identify what type of feelings you want[like feeling worthy, feeling good about yourself] & which are the boundaries you need to create to get these[like saying no to unethical demands]
- Identify, who among those you must work, whom you can ignore & whom you can walk away from
- Learn to practice Assertiveness, visit this link for more detail https://successunlimited-mantra.com/index.php/blog/how-to-be-more-assertive
- Learn to practice how to handle difficult people, visit this link for more detail https://successunlimited-mantra.com/index.php/blog/how-to-handle-difficult-people-effectively
- Please understand that you are not responsible for how others feel or react, when you set boundaries
- Develop a healthy respect for yourself
- Learn to recognize the early warning signs early at the beginning of the relationship, so as to put stop to getting yourself attached more for getting hurt more & making the separation difficult
- Stop fixing or changing others
- Put a stop to people who want to fix or change you
- Learn to Identify, understand & ignore, the tantrums, drama, lies & manipulation of others and put a stop to it immediately without giving them opportunity to become more powerful vis-a-vis you
- Understand that as much as you want others to be happy, you cannot be responsible for other’s happiness or feelings, as long as you are not the one who is behaving like a predator
- You have to learn the NLP technique of psychologically disassociation in-spite of being emotionally involved for minimizing emotional and psychological entanglement
- Give yourself permission to express your negative feelings like anger, sadness, guilt, or shame in a constructive way
- Do not act like sponge & take others feelings that makes you feel miserable
- Allow other people to have their own emotional experiences, without taking these personally yourself
- Learn to recognize unhealthy boundaries, where we collude with our partner in believing the myth that everything is fine, make it difficult for us to come to terms with the problems of the relationship by becoming an ostrich
- Learn to be authentic & yourself, use your vulnerabilities to grow yourself without letting anyone take advantage of your weaknesses
Setting Your Internal Boundaries for making better relationship with yourself, This can be done by
- How you create self-discipline
- How you learn to delay self-gratification
- How you handle your emotions
- How you learn to respond instead of impulsive reacting
- How you beat procrastination to focus and take actions on the important part
- How you learn to let go of toxic people
- How to you focus on with determination on self-care like a healthy person, not as a sociopath
- How you let go of making others feel bad about yourself
- How you empower yourself by learning to manage your negative feelings, emotions & thoughts
- How you stop being defensive at other’s pressure
FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS TILL LAST – ALL TAKEN FROM INTERNET
Below is a list of some of the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy boundaries – TAKEN FROM INTERNET
|Feeling like your own person||Feeling incomplete without your partner|
|Feeling responsible for your own happiness||Relying on your partner for your happiness|
|Togetherness and separateness are balanced||Too much or too little togetherness|
|Friendships exist outside of the relationship||Inability to establish and maintain friendships with others|
|Focuses on the best qualities of both people||Focuses on the worst qualities of the partners|
|Achieving intimacy without chemicals||Using alcohol/drugs to reduce inhibitions and achieve a false sense of intimacy|
|Open, honest and assertive communication||Game-playing, unwillingness to listen, manipulation|
|Commitment to the partner||Jealousy, relationship addiction or lack of commitment|
|Respecting the differences in the partner||Blaming the partner for his or her own unique qualities|
|Accepting changes in the relationship||Feeling that the relationship should always be the same|
|Asking honestly for what is wanted||Feeling unable to express what is wanted|
|Accepting endings||Unable to let go|
Boundaries that Don’t Work – TAKEN FROM INTERNET
“Boundaries that often fail are those that include the words ‘always,’ ‘never’ or any absolute language,” . Such boundaries are usually unrealistic and don’t last, she said. She shared these examples: “You can never” or “You must always.”
Other poor boundaries alienate you from your partner, have a double standard or try to manipulate an outcome, she said. She shared these examples: “If you aren’t home by 7 p.m. every night, I will not have sex with you,” “If you don’t do X, I will hurt myself” or “You are not allowed to do X, but I can do it when I please.”
Vague boundaries also don’t work. These include, she said: “Don’t spend a lot of money this month” or “Pick up the kids from school a few times a week.”
Many partners don’t even talk about their boundaries. They expect their partner to just know them. This is unfair, Not only is this ineffective, but it creates confusion and can hurt your relationship.
This consists of a compliment, criticism, compliment. Starting with a compliment prevents your partner from getting defensive,
You’re constantly telling him what to do.
You’re warning him about what will happen if he doesn’t do it.
You’re bringing up the past of what he did wrong.
You’re giving him solutions when he hasn’t asked for them.
You’re preaching about what people should and shouldn’t do.
You’re sending guilt trips.
12 core dating boundaries that every woman OR rather every person should live by – TAKEN FROM INTERNET
1. Under no circumstances will I date someone who is married or has a partner.
2. I will not spend my time waiting around, whether it’s for their calls, or for them to show up after they’ve disappeared, waiting for them to come back, waiting for them to turn into The Man I Think He Could/Should Be, or waiting for them to decide if they want to be with me – I’m not putting my life on hold for anyone.
And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, wait around for someone to decide whether they want a relationship with you. Don’t demean yourself!
3. I will not continue engaging in any relationship where either they or I don’t treat me with love, care, trust, and respect.
4. I will not continue dating someone who reveals themselves to be a Future Faker or a Future Avoider.
5. I will not date someone who controls the relationship on their terms – I must be in mutually fulfilling, balanced, healthy relationships.
6. I will not allow someone to use me for sex, devalue me sexually, or treat me in a less than manner.
7. I will drop guys who manage the bulk of the communication in our relationship by text, email, or instant messenger, like a hot potato.
8. I will not allow lies to foster my interactions, whether it’s being in denial or listening to bullshit, being fed lies, or getting the truth distorted.
9. I will not pursue someone who has either directly or passively rejected me.
10. I will not play Florence Nightingale because it is not my job to fix/heal/help the Walking Wounded, which means no partners with substance dependency/abuse and no partners that have issues that prevent them from healthily engaging in a relationship.
11. I will not date an assclown – someone who is unkind/cruel, lacking in empathy, and at best takes advantage and at worst, abuses me.
12. I will not make up excuses for other people’s behaviour or make exceptions to my boundaries. My boundaries are non-negotiable!
PSA: Setting strong personal boundaries are not a cure-all for your relationship woes (or your lost keys)
Some examples of poor boundaries – TAKEN FROM INTERNET
People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors: those who take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others, and those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions/actions.
Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together.
- Everything that prevents me from stating and doing what I want (with honesty and compassion), I release, dissolve and let go now.
- Everything that prevents me from listening and responding to the underlying intent of the other, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- Everything that contributes to my inability to set healthy boundaries and allow myself the rest, recreation and rejuvenation I need, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- Everything that prevents me from saying a timely, clear ‘yes’ without guilt, inhibition, or aggression, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- Everything that prevents me from drawing a line, ending things, or saying a timely, clear ‘no’ without guilt, inhibition, or aggression I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways in which I consciously or unconsciously invite or allow others to violate my boundaries, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways in which I consciously or unconsciously invade others’ boundaries, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I try to rationalise, justify, explain, defend or apologise for my feelings and needs, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways in which I give in only in order to avoid conflict, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways in which I fail to recognize, honour and respect everyone in the relationship, including myself, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I am afraid of speaking up for myself, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways that I have decided that argument, refusal and judgement of my needs and requests is inevitable, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All my resistance to anticipated judgment, argument, conflict and violence in reaction to me choosing my own happiness and wellbeing, all cellular memories of it, all neural programming, all emotional blackmail, all the anger, rage, hexes, curses and spells I have allowed and received around this in the past I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I am programmed to sacrifice my happiness for others, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I am programmed to feel guilty for choosing my own happiness, I release dissolve and let go now.
- Any ways that I expect, insist or demand that others sacrifice their happiness for me, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- Any ways in which I emotionally blackmail others, blame, induce guilt or punish others for not putting my happiness above theirs, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I have bought into the belief that my happiness and choice are immaterial and only (__)’s demands must be met, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I have bought into the belief that (__)’s happiness and choice are immaterial and only my demands must be met, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the domination, bullying, passive aggression, entity and demonic control and slavery that I allow or participate in across all time, space and dimensions, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I misunderstand, misapply and misuse the concept of Oneness, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the unrealistic expectations that are projected on each other, all insistence and compulsion on how the other responds, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I resist being perceived as selfish, I release dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I have self-care confused with selfishness, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways I have devotion confused with slavery, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- All the ways that agreement or submission are taken to be proof of love, and disagreement or independent points of view are taken to be the absence of love, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- Any craving for belonging and acceptance that contributes to imbalanced dynamics, dysfunctional soul agreements and contracts of slavery or domination, I release, dissolve and let go now.
- Any ways in which my temptation, habit or desire to abdicate responsibility contributes to the setting of inappropriate boundaries, I release, dissolve and let go now.