Having relationship with women who were in abusive relationships
Why you should never date or marry a woman who has lived in a traumatic, abusive relationship for long.
This is article is about men who are in relationship or are seriously considering marrying or having relationship with women who have had experienced cruelty, violence, suppression and many such emotional, mental and physical horrors – in their earlier relationship OR even from parents during growing up years.
There will be a separate article for women who have found someone with aforesaid type of abusive past.
These types of men will have many similar behavior-patterns - as well as few specifically different ways of behavior with their women - Even women should avoid dating or marrying those men who have been in emotionally shocking relationship for long.
Contrary to popular wisdom that if we are hurt – we won't hurt others THE FACT IS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
HURT AND HELD ON TO THEIR HURTS FOR LONG - BECOMES THE CRUELEST PARTNERS TO HAVE.
The truth is that almost all the people who have held on to their pain, traumas, grief and hurts long after it has been over – WILL DEFINITELY HURT THEIR PARTNERS IN MOST AGONIZING WAYS and in many cases their children as well.
This is also true for the people who are grieving because of the loss of a loved one - years after the normal grief-cycle should have been over with their accepting the loss and moving with their life.
In both the cases – their past drives their present and hence their future.
Yes therapy, counseling can help – in mild cases – BUT in very unhealthy state – it may not be able to improve much in long term to make the type of difference which is needed and will matter to their partners.
Some unhealthy cases can even fool and confuse the therapist and counselor.
These emotionally abused people are normally emotionally, mentally and physically unavailable to anyone.
For outside world they would be perfect example of wonderfully good human being.
But their closest one goes through hell of uncertain, shocking and unbelievable horrors.
Many of them are still living their past abuse [much after that person is no more able to impact their lives].
As a result of the abuses and their not able to handle it effectively then – they lose their self-respect, self-dignity, self-worth, self-esteem AND develop deep-rooted-emotional-insecurities.
These emotional insecurities are very-very difficult if not impossible to get rid of.
Yes they do need – care, respect and love – BUT – if only you are giving and they don't recognize, appreciate and reciprocate and are grateful for the same – THEN NO CHANGE CAN TAKE PLACE.
Moreover – none of us are equipped to handle them by playing twin role of their therapist as well as their lover.
These types of people always attract the emotionally-emphatic people and vice-versa.
They need victims to play their VICTIM-trilogy of victim-persecutor-rescuer.
Whatever they say – they will never do and whatever they promise will rarely happen unless they are trying to woo you for some of their needs.
Then everything including their mistakes – will be their partner's fault.
They are grudge manufacturing and warehousing plant – they will keep creating and accumulating grudges.
Their anger finds outlet in you – the moment you give-in to their imbalanced behaviors.
Their constantly being abused makes them feel unworthy and they lose their ability to love, respect and accept themselves and as a result of these they can't love, respect, appreciate have meaningful relationships with others.
They do have self-love – but it is skewed towards narcissistic-love.
You also have to understand that – they may have become incapable of experiencing love, empathy, respect, happiness AS THEY DON'T THINK THESE CAN HAPPEN WITH THEM or that they deserve it.
This has been my experience of three personal relationships as well as numerous counseling cases in hundreds.
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